A Tough Month

This has been a very very tough month. Last week Saturday I had another bleeding episode, though not nearly as bad as the first that led to the 2 night hospital stay the weekend before. But scary nonetheless. This time I was prepared so I was able to take care of myself at home and a call to the doctor reassured me I was doing everything correctly. Luckily it stopped and could have been due to some contractions and preterm labor, which passed. Or it could have been the fibroids degenerating (I went to a follow-up visit and we still don’t know). But it was during this crisis that I learned my dad had passed away on Friday.

It was sudden and came without warning. He had reported feeling unwell on Wednesday but since he lives alone in Hawaii no one found him until Saturday when my uncle went to check on him. It makes me incredibly sad to think he slipped away without notice, but also I know that is how he wanted to go (without bothering anyone and causing anyone trouble). Also I know he never would have wanted to pass in a hospital. So really he went on his own terms and I would like to think peacefully and in his sleep.

I talked to him last about two weeks ago. I usually call him every weekend but since I was in the hospital the weekend before, I forgot. And that’s not unusual, I sometimes skip a weekend here and there. The last time I talked to him, he was happy to hear that we decided to name our baby girl’s middle name after him (which is Rei, and his name is Raymond but everyone calls him Ray). So I’m glad he got to hear that, though it also makes me cry when I think that he will never get to meet his granddaughter.

You might think it odd that I go about my business here as usual with the reviews, but most of these have been written ahead of time and scheduled to be posted (though I did move up a bunch of reviews so that they were published last week prior to this post because it felt inappropriate to post smiling pictures of myself after this post). I thought about taking a break and disappearing for a month or two, but to be honest writing this blog is my escape. It’s a joy and something that distracts me from the sadness. Also I would like to think that my dad would not want me to stop doing what I love and become depressed about it all (which is an easy slide to go down if I let myself). But I will write and post whenever I feel like it and will not be posting on a regular schedule until 2019 I think.

And there’s nothing to be depressed over. He knows he was loved and I know I was loved. He knows I’ll be alright and I know he had a content and happy life. Part of living is dying and we’ve never shied away from talking about it before. Neither of us have any regrets when it comes to our relationship.

Yet the timing could not have been worse, though there are some silver linings to it. I unfortunately cannot go back to Hawaii for his funeral due to this complicated pregnancy. But I was very lucky that my mom was here with me when we found out (she has been divorced from my dad for decades). And she has been a great comfort along with my husband. Also I’m lucky that I can’t drink currently since I’m sure I would have drowned my sorrows in alcohol only to fuel a depression.

Anyway I wondered if this was too personal a thing to share on this blog but then again I share everything on this blog. I didn’t want it to feel like this something I need to hide, a pain I couldn’t express because I don’t want to make this blog “heavy.” Grief is natural and it’s okay to let people know that you’re grieving. Anyway thanks for letting me share this and it’s been therapeutic for me. And hug your loved ones a little more and tell them you love them this month for me because you never know what could happen.